Getting into the Game by Chris Clark
Don’t tell the boss, but I’m looking for a new job; and not just any job, but the sweetest job of them all.
Earlier this month, Great Britain’s chief chocolate taster Angus Kennedy was forced to step down due to weight gain. Imagine that, a chocolate taster who got too fat for the job. You might say his loss, or gain for that matter, is my gain.
Angus landed his $45,000-a-year dream job in 2010 and, in that time, packed on about 30 blubbery pounds. He was also warned his cholesterol level was becoming dangerously high. That doesn’t sound good, but I’ll bet his breath smells delicious.
Typically, Angus would spend half of his work week sampling new products, and the other half writing about them in a magazine. This is the kind of work I could do; along the lines of movie reviewer, restaurant critic, beer taster or the person who determines if lingerie is see-through or not.
Angus’ role required him to gobble down about two pounds of weird and wonderful goodies, such as cocoa-covered ants and aphrodisiac lollipops, every day. It’s a rotten job, but somebody has to do it. I’m thinking of spilling chocolate syrup on my resume, just to show them how serious I am.
Chocolate and candy manufacturers relied on Kennedy’s expertise and sophisticated palate to sample new treats ahead of production. That makes Angus a kind of test pilot, except instead of running the risk of crashing or hitting a mountain, he had to guard against belly aches and tooth decay.
Doctors warned he risked a heart attack if he carried on with his high-calorie diet. Now Angus has embarked on a strict exercise regime, and cut all chocolate from his diet, in a bid to return to his normal weight. Poor guy.
Angus doesn’t need a gym membership. All he needs is a little help. I propose we share the burden. He could try the healthy snacks like chocolate-covered asparagus and candied eggplant, while I could stick to such career-ending fare as chocolate-covered cherries and cream-filled fried fudge.
Like a real-life Willy Wonka, Angus had a golden ticket to the chocolate factory; minus all those creepy little Oompa Loompas, unless he was prone to hallucination. He estimates in the past 20 years he has sampled more than 30,000 new products, and at trade shows would often eat up to three pounds of goodies.
I once ate a dozen Easter creme eggs and thought I saw a rabbit clucking like a chicken, but that could have been a TV commercial. Regardless, I think I have the appetite, dedication, stamina and stomach for the job. Bring it on, Angus.
All I need now is an application form. And some life insurance.